music: matt nathanson "answering machine" & SFTP "my love is the shh...!" & jimmy eat world "no sensitivity" & michael smith "the heart of worship" (phew)

i think i'm getting signs that i'm burining out. you realize it when you don't seem to sleep before 1:00 AM, just because you're on the internet or JUST playing video games... i also kinda realized it when i'm just not wanting to do my paper that was due last monday *gasp*! well, overall mood hasn't been up either. i think its all this outside noise, like the war, or the p-studies campaign, that all of a sudden, my studies doesn't seem so important anymore... like there's more important things to worry about nowadays... i just hope something works out someday.

i've recently compiled a new list of people i jock... it seems after putting so much energy on the girl i was talking about about 6 entries ago (the one abroad), i should just look around - but not really look around, kinda doing that passively looking thing, again.

speaking of girls i jock, i confirmed the information i had that someone else is jocking that girl... yeah.

so honestly this week was pretty uneventful. HSO/YFC/TAPS/PUSO meetings were just peachy, but they weren't as crazy as last friday... i think was one of the most funnest (hehe) times i had while in puso... but the only cool stuff happening were the actual meetings. you can just see how boring irvine can be.

i guess ill leave it off today with what one of my spoppers wrote (lew). he truly exemplifies what living in irvine is like:

"Today I went to Ralph's to pick up some groceries after class. Unless you live in Irvine or in a place similar to it you wouldn't realize how fucking detached from reality middle class America is. To start my trip to the grocery store, some middle aged bitch in a mercedes jacked my parking spot. The bitch came around the corner and pulled a bitch to get into the spot. Fucking pissed me off. Next some soccer mom on a cell phone in an SUV nearly runs my ass over. Inside the store I see a little kid begging her mom for a candy bar. I've never seen a kid plead like her. She was saying how life was horrible and that she never gets anything. Her mom, seeing how badly she wanted the candy gave it to her continuing her assumed trend of spoiling her children. If I learned anything from this trip to the grocery store it's that middle class America is shallow and cares only about itself.

"Today I realized I live in Irvine. I live in white middle class America, and it is ugly. It's ugly in the fact that Irvine is torn apart from reality. What kind of city takes its homeless and ships them off to santa ana? Everything here in Irvine is sunshine, palm trees, and SUVs. It's the kind of place where a family with 2.5 kids and a dog have a secure lifestyle sheltered from the real world. Living in Irvine one forgets the ghettos and living with the realization that if you fuck up enough you'll be living there too."

-lewbear

~ja matte!

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why'd i write this at 2:16 am?

music: hot hot heat "bandages" & liam lynch "united states of whatever"

So we had our PCH + PUSO kick-it night on friday... that was hellla fun partly cause they gave me a 21 and over wristband (woohoo!) and we got to hang out with some real down to earth people. Nothing like acting and looking like you're 21 when you're only 20! wooooooohooo! Anyway, after that, we went to norms to have some food... and we ate steak & eggs. The whole weeked seemed to be an eat-fest, because i had norms that night, then the following evening was tony romas, then the lunch after that was bennigan's... all with heaping 50 servings per lunch/dinner. so that was okay... stocking up in the stomach so i can survive the rest of the week ;o).

My kuya and i had lots of talks with the parents over the dinnertable (in those restaurants). They were mostly aimed toward my brother... They were trying to figure out what his future was... he told me later that he wasn't sure, and i felt that that was true. i'm looking into my life, and i say i want to go to medicine, but is it really what i want? He had this talk mainly cause his car was breaking up and we decided that he should pay for a new car (monthly payments, at least) and logically they asked if his job would support paying for a new car. i didn't talk too much then, but im really afraid that i don't want to be in that position. so the rest of the weekend was helping out my brother find a suitable car. He eventually got a black Toyota Corolla S and i think its pretty sweet.

I'm getting the feeling that our board isn't what i had imagined. We have a set of people that are really good and hardcore... another set that is hardcore and loves being on board, but circumstances outside of puso are holding them from their full potetntial... and another set of people that i think might turn -anti. I don't know what it is - maybe its the end of a VERY hard winter quarter, or everyone's getting sick. Ideally, i hope that no one feels like not doing board next year (if they had the chance).

We had PCN Practice yesterday night, and i looked like a fool. I didn't know that they changed the whole dance on us... everything was new. I had my brother there and kaywan was making pictures, so that didn't help either... lol, at one point, i just stopped looking like an bumbling idiot and just spectated to learn the dance. In the end, though, i got it.

btw, if you guys haven't read the irvine review yet, do it! there's a lot of bullshit in there.

anyway... there's was sooo much more that i wanted to talk about, but i'm drawing blanks once again... i need more sleep :). If anyone's wondering what i look like, here's a taste:

~ja matte!

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why'd i write this at 12:00 am?

music: OC Supertones "Superfly" & Coldplay "The Scientist"

What can i say? i'm all of a sudden turning hella spiritual. like an awakening of some sort. first i went to a yfc meeting last wednesday and then all of a sudden i'm singing for parents/couples praise songs. and i never really sang in front of a crowd of more than 5 people that i don't know... let alone that i never sang in front of 5 people that i DO know. i love singing, but i always have that feeling that i'm singing out of tune. i did have two compliments from janzel and grace... something about singing second voice or whatever... that really boosted the self esteem bar.

speaking of self esteem bar... i've been thinking about s.a.d. (single awareness day) and i realized that i might be that because i'm just trying its making me really nervous toward girls that i am attracted toward. and i also realized (again) that it won't hurt to wait another year... i've been through it for 19 years... no rush to get into any relationship at all, i guess. so with that mindset, i wasn't as overly depressed as last year (here). it was more of a "you're single, be happy about it" kind of vibe. this year i wasn't attached to anyone so probably that was why i wasn't so sad. but...

...after friday practice w/ the yfc crew, a couple of us went to a starbucks run, and at that moment i realized that one of the girls (actually, the only girl in the group) had all the qualities i was interested in. i'll call her... Colt, cause her name reminds me of one of the new weapons in CS 1.6 (NERD ALERT. NERD ALERT.). she's like the kind of person you wouldn't get tired out hanging around with. actually, after dropping off gen (woo woo! plug #2!) i was strongly thinking of going back to the church to "visit".

I had a really disturbing dream last night. it seems like all the creepy, disturbing dreams seem creep in when i sleep in my bed @ home home. sometimes i'd dream normally, then something happens... then all of a sudden, i'd dream of myself sleeping dreaming of something... i can dream myself opening my eyes and moving my limbs, but even if that happens, i consciously can't feel the real world after opening the eyes... i can't control breathing, everything seems like i'm being continually pushed downward, until i mentally gather up strength and "shake myself" out of it. then i would wake up, startled and out of breath. one time, that happened, and while that was happening, it would feel like something or someone would push me down further and further into the bed and into the pillow to suffocation... and at the same time listening to some kind of demonic voice telling me that i can't fight it and that everything will be fine. creepy. it hasn't been happening this week, but i'm really thinking of waiting for it to happen again and not waking myself up... just to see what happens. but anyway... to the dream i had last night: i dreamt that i was at my home, then all of a sudden i see a figure that looked a lot like my uncle... he has a gun. and he's mad at something, so he shoots me. like 10 times. and i can feel every single one of them go through my body. but i'm still alive, and i regain "consciousness", then he talks something to me and shoots me more... this happens like 3 more times. and then the last time i fight back and then i get the gun away from him, but don't do anything. instead i show the bullet wounds to my family that was standing right next to the whole thing. they're startled, but don't do anything, because i'm not bleeding or do i feel anything from the wounds... like they instantly heal. my dreams have been "strange" lately. lots of gun and shooting themes... like the one i had about 3-4 weeks ago, when a figure that looked a lot like my little brother shoots me in the back of my head while i was in the bathroom. wait... that was after that whole demonic voice thing... i "wake up" from the voice, then go to the computer room with my little brother on the computer... he's distressed about something... like he's AIM'ing to someone. then i leave him alone so he can have privacy... i go to the bathroom to cut my hair, and then i look in the mirror... everything's dark outside the bathroom, but i can see a figure that looks like my brother, and he puts a gun to my head, and shoots me... that's when i actually wake up... sweaty and short of breath. i've had nothing like these dreams for the past 3 years... the only other creepy one was when i was like in 6th grade... i just remember one part... i'm held somehow down onto a chair... a torture chair... and then i see two figures... very demonic looking... holding some kind of cauldron. and under it is the earth... and they tell me to choose something... i chose one, and then supposedly its the wrong one, and then the earth becomes swallowed up in this melting fire thing from the cauldron... i think something scary's about to happen. very soon. like in 3 weeks soon. creepy.

~ja matte!

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why'd i write this at 2:14 am?

music: OC Supertones "Wilderness" & Finch "Once Upon a Nightstand (acoustic)"

so i really know what a meme is... here's my first one.

A- Appetizer of Choice: fried calamari from anywhere and everywhere

B- Best Friend: Solomon... he's been there since the beginning. i haven't been talking to him in a while because we live in different apartments, but its great when we get the chance to.

C- Choice of Meat: bloody prime rib... mmm

D- Dream Date: asian food, then watching a musical... chillin at the beach (at night) then, who knows?

E- Exciting Adventure: skydiving. when i get the sacs for it.

F- Favorite Food: i'm a sucker for arroz caldo.

G- Greatest Accomplishment: helping out at a Medical Mission in the Philippines

H- Happiest Day of your life: the happiest day(s) of my life would be every day in sierra (dorms)

I- Interesting Fact: i can crack my toes and feet-fingers (whatever they're called) at will

J- Joke: what kind of cheese doesn't belong to you?

nacho cheese!

K- Kool-Aid: i like it, just put extra powder stuff in there for the sweetness. it sucks when its bland.

L- Lover: uhh...

M- Marriage: see "L"

N- Name: vincent cate velasco

O- Obsession: music, geeky computer stuff, driving.

P- Pizza toppings: extra mushrooms, extra cheese

Q- Question Asked to you the most: its a tie: So what do you want to be when you grow up? | When's your brother getting married? (i get the latter A LOT)

R- Radio Station: I LOVE COOL 94.3. But now that it's gone, i'm left like a scattered sheep. so ill have to settle for KROQ till something else comes up.

S- Sex: "V" is for... lol.

T- Television Show: simpsons... joe millionare (that show plays on emotions like nothing, but its sooo good), and anything on the science channel (NERD ALERT. NERD ALERT.)

U- Underwear: any of my Timberland or AE boxers... they are sooo comfy.

V- Video: sawshank, shrek, star wars, LoTR: the two towers

W- Winter: best winter so far would be the one where we went to tahoe... that would be winter right now. Everything was sooo chill in a cabin with 40 of your closest friends. fun!

X- X-ray: ever wonder why for every other body part they put this big ass lead shield on you? why dont' they do that w/ the orthodondist? all they give you are those biting things that you can gag on so easily... maybe its not so concentrated... maybe that's why our generation is sooo spazzed out. idunno

Y- Year born: 1982

Z- Zodiac sign: sagittarius

~ja matte!

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why'd i write this at 1:42 am?

music: stevie wonder "you are the sunshine of my life"

Today i had my spop interview... i felt like i really could have done better, i gave them only very basic answers... the ones that they wanted to hear - not the one that would distinguish me from the rest. i hope that everything falls into place.

After all my classes, i decided to go buy some stuff... went to best buy and picked up the Stevie Wonder "The Definitive Collection"... idunno, just cause... i had a stevie wonder urge while in the store... and a new addiction... simcity 4. If anyone played The Sims but liked SC2K, this one's it.

After i oogled for 2 hours at it, we had the PUSO Pal Potluck... i really thought it was hella fun, except that not that many puso people (minus board) showed up. i thought the games were really crafted out well and were really fun to do. we played twister for one of the games, and i contorted like no man has ever done before... to the point where it felt like your knees would collapse due to the succumbing force of gravity and also had a constant ringing noise for a very very long time... kinda like a rush of blood to the head, only 2x more.

I'm getting really worried with these next midterms... biochem and East Asian language (gender in japanese literature) cause they're one after the other and i haven't read anything for the EA class... scrred.

onto more ramblings... we had a pseudo-board kick-it (there was a general member there, but it was cool... future board member maybe ;)?) and we played the question game, 10 fingers and taboo until 2:00... it was fun, but i wished in the back of my mind that some drinking should have started... ah well, i still had lots of fun with them.

So, my brain is jello, and i'll try to go to sleep, but i know subconsciously that i will move my cursor and double click on the SimCity 4 link... Trouble awaits.

~ja matte!

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why'd i write this at 2:01 am?